Alternative Pie

(Sung to the tune of Don McLean’s American Pie or Madonna’s American Pie to those of you who know nothing about music)


A long long time ago

I can still remember how good music used to make me feel

I myself wear normal pants

And I don’t do no fruity dance

There was a time when that was the deal


But Clark Kent surely shivered

When Kryptonite was delivered

Bullshit on MTV

I think I’ll sell my TV


I no longer smell Teen Spirit

Or anything remotely near it

Clear Channel ensures I never hear it

The day the music died




Bye bye Miss Alternative Pie

Drove my Saturn to Seattle

But the party had died

And them pretty boys give a sacchirine sigh

Singing baby baby oh bye bye bye

Baby baby oh bye bye bye


Have you seen the Tragic Kingdom?

And did you get the memorandum

About the new music style?

It seems these days that trash is in

Talent is out so long as your thin

And it looks like it’ll be that way awhile


Well she belongs on a trailer lot

She can’t sing but she’s really hot

She was a mouseketeer

She now wears a big brassiere

I was no fro-haired teenage disco duck

I had a low-paying job and a pickup truck

Still I knew I had run out of luck

The Day the music died


I started singin’



You wrote great songs like Evenflow

And I’m sorry that you had to go

I keep black circle as a token

But the die is cast and Jeremy’s spoken

You’re old hat now and it’s sad

Then something happened really bad


I met a man who sang like you

Except he sucked and he blew

He’s made of Human Clay

And Kurt was blown away

With Arms Wide Open he welcomed me

But I decided to turn and flee

I found me a comfy place to hide

The day the music died


We were singing



He lives the crazy life each day

He could turn a straight man gay

I hear his music all the time

Being him should be a crime

He’s like a bull’s ferocious brunt

‘cept with horns behind and ass in front


The prince was wearing his golden crown

And shooting alien spaceships down

Each July he’s in a flick

With some sexy breasted chick

Just the two of us in the wild west

An event that caused my soul unrest

But they had kid’s meals anyway

The day the music died


We were singing



Canadian bacon in a cowboy hat

Sings real shrill with no body fat

She wears her clothes so tight

In the middle of the night

Her poster’s up in every dorm

But even she won’t keep me warm



Down in Nashville the old folks cried

Good country music has gone aside

Achy breaky heart in his chest

Between his pair of flabby breasts

Thought he’d be a bad-ass rocker

Helps me ‘preciate Joe Cocker

Now Dr. Pepper owns his soul

The day the music died


We were singing



I met a man in a giant suit

I asked him if it all was moot

But he just stared and had to say

“This is not my beautiful wife”

But he’d also lived his life

On the radio his music no longer plays


In the back streets some wusses danced

Strutted and twirled, frittered and pranced

But no guitar was strumming

And no drums were a-drumming

And the people I respect the most

Are all forgotten coast to coast

And to them I toast this solemn toast

The day the music died


And they were singing


They were singing