Black Dog – A Movie Review

 

Warning – Contains spoilers!  If you’ve seen this movie, read on, if not, don’t.

 

Well, the movie started off good with the Universal Pictures logo.  It was a nice logo, had the Earth there in space, with the word UNIVERSAL emblazoned in front of it.  After this point, however, things fell apart.  This film is full of plot holes, bad acting, poor writing, and poor casting decisions.

 

The movie centers around Jack Crews, played indifferently by Patrick Swayze. Mr. Crews is a trucker who just got out of jail for carelessly mowing down a family with his truck.  Yet at the same time he is supposed to be responsible and stoic.  Well, whatever.  Anyhow, Meat Loaf hires him to run some illegal guns.  Meat Loaf plays a bizzarre character.  He constantly quotes scripture, yet he is pure evil.  Just like the warden in The Shawshank Redemption only not nearly as convincing an actor.  Anyhow, once Swayze is on his way with a truckload of guns and toilets, Meat Loaf and his gang of idiots go chasing after him trying to stop him.  Why do they do this you ask?  I don’t know.  If I was smuggling guns, I certainly wouldn’t call attention to it by trying to crash the truck I hired to transport them.  Maybe Meat Loaf has some sort of grudge against Swayze, if so, they never explain it.  Anyhow, for whatever reason, Meat Loaf and his entourage of morons try to run him off the road and prevent him from making his delivery, thus creating some of the most contrived action sequences ever photochemically imprinted into a silver halide emulsion.  Oh yeah, I forgot about Randy Travis, he’s in this film too.  He’s playing a struggling country star wannabe type along for the ride with Swayze.  He was included to provide comic relief (I think) and to fill in the passenger seat of the truck. 

 

Eventually, through a sequence of events vaguely reminiscient of Smokey and the Bandit, the shipment gets to wherever its going and there’s a big finale and Swayze is reunited with his picture perfect family.  Now, the movie is over.  As I was getting up to turn off my VCR, the FBI guy (can’t remember if it was the angry one or the effeminate one) kindly asks Swayze to drive the truck to the impound lot.  Now he’s driving along, with his plastic-like family in the truck when we are suddenly reminded that Meat Loaf is still alive!  Now, Meat Loaf, in another Semi, starts chasing Swayze down.  They grind against each other, busting the headlight on Meat Loaf’s truck.  Magically, in the next scene, the same headlight is intact.  Anyhow, the chase goes through a warehouse and into a rail yard.  You can guess the rest, Meat Loaf flips the truck several times only to have it land in front of a Fairbanks Morse diesel switcher which demolishes what is left.  At this point the movie really is over.

 

If you like sitting around with your friends, and making fun of bad movies, then this movie is for you.  If you are depressed and don’t have any friends, and are looking for just one more reason to kill yourself, do not watch this movie.  It might just put you over the edge.  Stay tuned for the exciting sequel in which Swayze reprises his role of Jack Crews, only this time Meat Loaf hires him to smuggle drugs into Florida in a small boat.  That’s right, Black Dog 2: Carribean Crews.  Coming soon directly to a video store near you.

 

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