MAD RIPOFF DEPT.                      


Back in the good old days, MAD Magazine occasionally ran articles spoofing old Reading Primers.  These featured the same hokey, simplistic style of writing as a real primer, but they often dealt with riskier subjects.  So here, without further ado, in a tribute to Larry Siegel, we present:


My First Mall Reader


Lesson 1.  Welcome!

Welcome to the mall.

The floors are shiney at the mall.

The floors have polished marble tiles.

So shiney.

How can they afford this?

People spend lots of money at the mall.

They buy shirts.

They buy pants.

With people’s names on them.

I wrote my name on a shirt once.

No one would buy it.


Lesson 2.  Sears.

Sears is at one end of the mall.

Sears sells clothes.

Sears sells appliances.

Sears sells tools.

Sears guarantees their tools.

They replace broken tools.

I broke a tape measure once.

I used it as a hammer.

They would not replace it.


Lesson 3.  The record store

See the record store.

The record store is in the mall.

They sell tapes.

They sell CDs.

They sell DVDs.

They never sell records.

People do not buy CDs at Wal-Mart.

People go to the record store at the mall.

Because, it has many CDs by many more people.

But they all buy the new N-Sync CD.


Lesson 4.  The clothing stores

See the clothing stores.

See the posters in the window.

See the people in the posters.

See how thin they are.

Later they eat a lot.

Then they throw up.

See the people shopping there.

They all look the same.

See the clothes in the store.

See the name on the shirts.

It is the name of the store.


Lesson 5.  Spencer’s

See Spencer’s.

It is next to the shoe store.

Look at all the novelties.

There’s a doll that farts.

There’s a puppet that belches.

I bought a fart alarm.

Five minutes went buy.

The novelty wore off.


Lesson 6.  Victoria’s Secret

See Victoria’s Secret.

See the fancy clothes.

Picture mommy in those clothes.

Do you like mommy in those clothes?

Daddy likes mommy in those clothes.

Look at the catalog cards.

See the men filling them out.

What is Victoria’s Secret?

Do these men know?

The secret is the free catalog.


Lesson 7.  The Book Store

See the book store.

See the books inside.

See the big books on display.

These are coffee table books.

They have lots of pictures.

Pictures of barns.

Pictures of trucks.

See the novels.

Stephen King writes novels.

He writes one every week.

John Grisham has a new novel.

Its about a lawyer.

They are all about lawyers.


Lesson 8,  The Security Guard

See the security guard.

See his funny hat.

He looks mean in his hat.

He looks like a cop.

But he has no gun.

He carries a walkie talkie.

He stops thieves.

He knows a lot about crime.

Just like a cop.

How does he know about crime?

He is on parole.


Lesson 9, The Escalators

See the escalators.

They are like moving stairs.

See the handrail.

It moves with the stairs.

See the people riding the escalators.

They go up.

They come down.

See the stairs going under the floor.

Be careful on the escalator.

You could go under the floor.


Lesson 10, The Parking Lot

See the parking lot.

See all of the cars.

See the cars coming.

See the cars going.

See the man walking.

He is tired.

He is hungry.

He cannot go home.

He cannot find his car.