Assorted Short Ruminations, Vol 1.

 

“Ones” is the plural of “one.”  It doesn’t seem like “one” can be plural.

 

What percentage of Jazz musicians are named “Herbie?”

 

The Twin Racer was built at Kings Island in 1971.  Since then, every piece of wood has been replaced at least once.  Is it still the same roller coaster?

 

What would imitation Soy Sauce be made from?

 

Every song on “Who’s Next” has been in a car commercial at one time or another.

 

If Friedrich Nietzsche and Jesus Christ were to fight to the death, who would win?

 

The next sixty years will be like the last sixty years, only replace “commun-” with “terror-”  “Are you now or have you ever been a member of the terrorist party?”

 

Waffle House - Where America Sobers Up

Cracker Barrel – The customer is always white.

 

“Get a job” by Offspring sounds like a punk version of “Ob-la-di Ob-la-da.”

 

Illegal Stuff.  America has been controlled by bigots of European heritage since the colonial period.  Thus drugs popular in Europe during this period are legal, while drugs popular with other cultures are illegal.

 

Who the fuck is “Kilroy?”

 

Today’s music is even worse than it sounds.

 

McDonald’s Employee:  No shoes, no shirt, no service.

Shirtless, Barefoot Man: No shit?!

 

Milestones in civil rights:  On this date in 1982, Mr. Edward A. Jemison of Cleveland, Ohio became the first black man to dine at a Bob Evans.

 

How to deal with your teenage son

1.      Blame his music.

2.      Blame the movies.

3.      Blame his video games.

4.      Blame his friends.

5.      Blame the internet.

6.      Blame puberty.

7.      Repeat the above steps until he moves out.

 

How to deal with your teenage daughter

1.      Blame her boyfriend.

2.      Repeat the above step until she gets knocked up and you kick her out.

 

If a doctor prescribes placebos, what does it say they are on the bottle?

 

How much Camel Cash do you have to save to buy an iron lung?

 

Most men who appear in cigarette ads look both gay and like white trash.  How do they pull that off?

 

I’d bet they had a hard time selling the first telephone.

 

Here’s a good idea for an April Fool’s prank.  You can only do this if the “victim” lives near a railroad crossing.  What you do is you pull up the track and curve it over to their front door.  Then you wire their door bell into the crossing gate circuit.  Now, when the train is coming, their doorbell rings.  They get up and go answer the door…

 

If I ever get to see the factory where they make Legos,  I bet I’d be dissappointed.

 

Tagline from an old car ad

Hats off to Larry, he just bought a brand new 1958 Pontiac Del Shannon Runaway.

 

The SNL Paradox:  How can a guest be a host?

 

The difference between the US and the third world

The Third World way:  Sieze power, then make money

The American way:  Make money, then buy power, then make more money.  Then buy more power, etc.

 

Britney Spears will be the next Dolly Parton.  By the time she is in her 50s, her breasts will be hanging down to her waist like two canteloupes hanging in a pair of pantyhose.

 

Everybody Loves Raymond

What’s up with this title?  Some people don’t love Raymond.  In fact, some people downright loath Raymond.  I think this title is intended to create a sense of popularity and conformity so that everybody will watch to fit in.  Chances are no one but crazed loners would watch if the show was called “Nobody Loves Raymond but You”

 

I once saw a magazine which was published by the carpenters union.  The magazine contained 19 full page advertisements for different brands of hammers.

 

The glass ceiling counteracts the Peter Principle.

 

The penis:  Nature’s firehose.

 

We can put a man on the moon, we can make toothpaste that makes our teeth a full two shades whiter, but we can’t build a vacuum cleaner that doesn’t sound like a goddamn air raid siren.

 

All piston air compressors make the same sound regardless of their size.

 

Pluto’s moon is called Charon, Mars’ two moons are called Phobos and Deimos.  The Earth’s moon still has no name.

 

What percentage of male pop singers from the early sixties were named Bobby?

Bobby Vinton, Bobby Darin, Bobby Vee, Bobby Day, etc etc

 

A mathematician is a person who, upon seeing five people exit a room which he believed contained three people, insists that two people must enter for it to be empty.

 

In the 1930s, the German people made the Jews the scapegoat for the problems in their society.  Today in America, we do the same thing, only we blame the user community. 

 

Earthly Wisdom

50% of all Americans have below average math skills.

A Honda engine will run long after the car rusts in half.

Cats do not have vital organs.

All fish is sushi until it is cooked.

Floppy disks are becoming the 8-tracks of the future.

 

THREE RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

1.      The Jewish do not recognize Jesus as a messiah.

2.      Protestants do not recognize the authority of the Pope

3.      Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

 

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