Sitcom Rules

By Seth

-I hate almost all sitcoms. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I've watched a few here and there, but they mostly just make me angry. Growing up, I have seen so many come and go (is "Grace Under Fire" still on?) and I have picked up a few sitcom guidelines from watching through the years. The list of rules are:

-Always place a couch in the middle of the main set and it must be free to allow the actors to walk around it.

-Never show the bathroom.

-A show must either be all white or all black. No show at anytime can be equally divided among the races of the cast. The few who on a show made up of primarily different races than themselves must be presented in "token" format and be very stereotypical of their own race. (Whites are to be very square and lame, while Blacks are to be very urban and "in-your-face.") There shall be no All Hispanic or Asian sitcoms.

-In between scenes, there must be a quick cut-away of the outside of the building the actors are supposed to be inside, with a second or two of music being played. In the mostly Black sitcoms, the music must be a kind of pseudo-jazz/R&B.

-If there is an antagonizing new character in one episode, the main Character must "tell them off" at the end of the show and the Audience must then clap and cheer.

-If one character says any "shocking" to another, the audience must then make a deep "ooooooooh!" noise.

-All male characters are mean and insensitive. All female characters are stupid and insecure.

-No characters will be shown working a night shift.

-Any situation is funny if it has sex involved.

-No child character has the slightest respect for their parents.

-During the climax of certain shows, if one character is giving another (usually child) character a "valuable lesson in life," sappy piano music must be slightly played in the background.

-All houses will have an upstairs.

-No character is to be shown smoking. Never.

-All male characters will love to eat and watch sports. All female characters will love to shop and "be sassy."

-If there are two characters of the opposite sex who are cast as just friends, there will always be a sexual tension between them, and the vague promise they will end up having sex. This rule applies even if one of them is cast as gay.

-If there is a ratings slip, temporally hire on a well-known movie star to film in on an episode or two. This is commonly referred to as "sweeps."

-If you have no idea for a theme of a new sitcom, simply sign on an actor or comedian whose been out of work for some time. Place them in a typical family situation according to the above rules and start filming. To trick viewers into watching, simply bump the new show temporarily into a time slot of an already popular show with little warning.

-There will always be at least one person mentioned, but never shown. This saves on casting.

-Remember, everyone can relate to New York City.

Well, that's about all I can think of. Sure, there are a few shows that break a rule here and there, ("All in the Family" comes to mind) but mostly all will follow these guidelines. That's why I hate sitcoms. But that's okay… I hate most TV.

<- Back