From the Collection of Calls Recorded for Quality Control Purposes



   Me,  a cynical asshole in his parent’s basement

   Telemarketer,  perky, sacchiriney, unseen female voice


Me:  Hello?

Telemarketer:  Hello, I’m calling to tell you about our Sprunt Anywhere™ plan where all your calls are just ten cents a minute after seven and on weekends and just fifteen cents a minute blah blah blah blah blah blah blah plus all applicable local, state and national taxes and access fees blah blah blah blah blah Captain and Tenille and Tigger too blah blah blah blah.  You’ve probably seen our commercials featuring Bugs Bunny and Michael Jordan from the Space Jam movies.

Me:  Yeah.

Telemarketer:  With the Sprunt Anywhere™ plan, you can talk all you want blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah except the dingo howls at midnight and blah blah blah blah and on weekends.  Now, are there any questions?

Me:  Well, I’ll agree with anyone that Michael Jordan is an excellent basketball player.  If he were offering his unbiased opinion on matters pertaining to his sport, I would be inclined to take his word for it, however, in this situation, there are two problems:  1.  Mr. Jordan is paid handsomely to appear in your commercials, and 2.  I seriously doubt that he knows Jack Schitt about long distance service.

Telemarketer:  Uhh,  Ummm….  Well, uh.  I suppose its because Michael Jordan has a positive image in most people’s minds.  And we want our company to be associated with that.  So we paid him a bunch of money to associate himself with our company.

Me:  Interesting.  Anyhow, I suppose I should tell you that we never make long distance calls on this phone line.  We use this line for the internet.

Telemarketer:  You don’t?  Well, that doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t cost you anything to switch, and if you ever do make a long distance call its just ten cents a minute anytime, anywhere because with the Sprunt Anywhere™ plan, you’ll blah blah blah blah and you’ll never have to stand in long lines at the county fair, or blah blah blah…

Me:  Maybe you should call my parents on our other phone line and talk to them.

Telemarketer:  What’s the phone number?

Me:  Fourty Two.

Telemarketer:  (brief silence)  Is that it?

Me:  Yeah.

Telemarketer:  Aren’t there any more numbers?

Me:  It’s one of the early phone numbers.  We had one of the first phones in town.

Telemarketer:  I thought all phone numbers had seven digits.

Me:  What about 911?

Telemarketer:  Mmmm…  I guess you’re right,  I’ll try the other number.  Fourty-two was it?

Me:  Yeah.

(I hang up.)

Me:  Dumbass!!